Don Hite at myITforum.com

George Carlin Quotes

George Denis Patrick Carlin (1937 – 2008) American comedian and author

• "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
• As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• Electricity is really just organized lightning.
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
• I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
• I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
• It's never just a game when you're winning.
• Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. 
• The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
• The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
• Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
• What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
• When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
• You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.