Don Hite at myITforum.com

Henny Youngman One-Liners

Henry "Henny" Youngman (1906 – 1998) British-born American comedian and violinist.

• 2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
• A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
• A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
• Can you really afford to give anybody a piece of your mind?
• Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!
• He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.
• Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
• I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
• I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
• I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
• I miss my wife's cooking -- as often as I can.
• I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him
• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
• I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.
• I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
• My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"
• My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable
• My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
• My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
• My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
• My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
• My wife will buy anything marked down. She brought home two dresses and an escalator.
• She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"
• Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
• Take my wife, please!
• That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
• That's a nice suit you're wearing. When did the clown die?
• The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.